Twilight: The Musical
by FMGG
Summary: A romance story that will transcend the minds of the many teenagers and mothers reading it. This is the Twilight series told as a musical play.
1. Introduction

A romance story that will transcend the minds of the many teenagers and mothers reading it. A male hero that is, well, perfect. A heroine that is so common, so plain, that her only extraordinary quality is that a vampire is in love with her. This is a story of love, corniness, melodrama, and (arguably) fantasy. This is Twilight: The Musical.

**(Caution, spoilers ahead)**

**Characters****: **Same as in the books. Main characters are Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black. Stephenie Meyer acts as the narrator, sitting on a desk that remains visible throughout the play. The vampires that make an appearance, besides the Cullens (which include Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper), are Laurent, Victoria, James, the Denali sisters (Tanya, Irina, Carmen, and Kate), as well as some of the Volturi (Alec, Aro, Chelsea, Afton, Corin, Demetri, and Felix). The werewolves include Leah, Sue, Emily, Sam, Seth, Quil, and Embry. Bella's parents (Charlie and Renée), as well as Bella's classmates (Jessica, Angela, Lauren, Mike, Tyler, and Erick) also make an appearance. Finally, in the third act, we meet Renesmée.

**S****tory: **Act I is the story in "Twilight", where Bella and Edward meet, and start their relationship against all odds. Act II comprises "New Moon" and "Eclipse", where Jacob enters the story in a more prominent way, and acts as the other tangent in the novels' love triangle. Act III would be "Breaking Dawn", in which Edward and Bella get married, and have Renesmée.

(For the record, we are not Stephenie Meyer, we don't own any of her characters or storylines, and we certainly don't claim to own any of the original songs we used to parody the Twilight Series. They all belong to their respective owners.)


	2. Act I: Twilight

**ACT I****: TWILIGHT**

_(The curtain is down, and there is a big clock and a sign for Grand Seattle Airport. STEPHENIE is singled out by her own light, w__riting on a desk, where she stays throughout the play, unless otherwise specified. Starting notes of "Just Arrived" (from the musical Copacabana) starts to play in the background as she delivers her first lines.)_

**STEPHENIE: **Her name was…. Stephen-, I mean, Bella. She was from…. Phoenix. Yeah, just arrived, Grand Seattle Airport, two suitcases in hand, and a hole in her heart.

_(Sc__ene fades to dark as the curtain and signs for Grand Seattle Airport are lifted to reveal the cafeteria of Forks High School. BELLA descends the stairs that are mounted on center stage. She is followed by ANGELA, LEAH, and JESSICA, each one holding a backpack in a different color.)_

**BELLA: **

JUST ARRIVED, GATE SEVENTEEN

ALL THE WAY FROM PHOENIX, ARI-NOWHERE

WHERE'S MY DAD'S POLICE PATROL?

WHERE'S HIS RAINY TOWN?

JUST IN TIME TO TAKE THE BUS

AND YES, MY KNEES ARE SHAKING

I'M FALLING APART

IT ALL STARTS NOW

I CAN SEE MY BIG FAT MISTAKE

I WON'T ALLOW

ANY BOYS TO GET TO ME

DON'T ASK ME HOW

BUT BEFORE TOO LONG,

I'LL BE AWAY FROM HERE

IT TOTALLY SUCKS

I'VE JUST ARRIVED

JUST ARRIVED, GATE SEVENTEEN

ALL THE WAY FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA

**ANGELA: **

JUST ARRIVED, GATE TWENTY FOUR

ALL THE WAY FROM PORT ANGELES

**LEAH:**

ALL THE WAY FROM LA PUSH RESERVATION

**BELLA:**

THOUGH I'M TOTALLY IMMATURE

I CHOSE TO COME TO THIS HELL HOLE

WHEN I LEFT, I LEFT MY MOM BEHIND

**LEAH:**

JUST IMAGINE, HERE I AM

HAIRIEST GIRL IN ALL THE REZ

**BELLA, ANGELA, JESSICA & LEAH****:**

THE KID THEY ALL MADE FUN OF

IS ONE OF A KIIIIIND

IT ALL STARTS NOW

LOOK WHO'S CURRENTLY APPEARING

THIS GIRL'S NO WOW

ALL THE GOSSIP GIRLS AGREE

I'LL TAKE MY VOW

AND BEFORE TOO LONG

I'LL GET IN SOME BOY'S PANTS

ERICK OR MIKE

I'VE JUST ARRIVED

**JESSICA, LEAH, ****ANGELA & FEMALE CLASSMATES:**

HEY HEY!

WHICH WAY'S TRIG CLASS?

**BELLA:**

SOMEBODY SAID I AM GONNA BE YOUR PROM QUEEN!

**LEAH, ANGELA & FEMALE CLASSMATES****:**

YOU'RE SO LUCKY AND SO PRETTY!

**BELLA:**

SOMEBODY SAID I AM GONNA BE YOUR PROM QUEEN!

_(Music ends slowly as th__e CULLENS enter the cafeteria and descend the stairs very slowly. "Thriller" starts. Wind machines are visible at the bottom of the stairs. The Cullens walk slowly in time with the music, JASPER holding ALICE, EMMETT holding ROSALIE, and EDWARD by himself at the back. MIKE gets to the front, wearing a single white glove and impersonating Michael Jackson as he sings. The CULLENS walk around like they are modeling on a runway, and just being generally attractive, while the rest of the CLASSMATES gasp as they come near them.)_

**MIKE:**

IT'S CLOSE TO LUNCH TIME

AND SOMETHING WEIRD IS LURKING IN THE DARK

UNDER THE CLOUD LIGHT, YOU SEE A SIGHT THAT ALMOST STOPS YOUR HEART

YOU TRY TO SCREAM, BUT THEIR HOTNESS IS ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU QUIET

YOU START TO FREEZE AS THE CULLENS LOOK YOU RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES

YOU HAVE BEEN DAZZLED

CAUSE THEY'RE THE CULLENS, HERE FOR LUNCH TIME

AND NO ONE'S GONNA SAVE YOU FROM THESE HOTTIES 'BOUT TO STRIKE

AND THEY'RE THE CULLENS, HERE FOR LUNCH TIME

YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THE CULLENS ARE HERE

_(Music continues __in the background as EDWARD descends the last stairs and bumps into BELLA.)_

**BELLA**: Hi.

**EDWARD:** Hi.

**BELLA:** You're pretty.

**EDWARD:** Go away. _(starts to look sick and runs to his brothers' table)_

**BELLA:** But I smell like strawberries, dammit! _(Goes to sit down with ANGELA and JESSICA)_

**BELLA: **Who are they?

_(Music changes__ subtly to "Nicest Kids in Town", from the musical Hairspray)_

**ANGELA: **They're the Cullens.

**JESSICA: **Totally hot, totally out of your league.

**ANGELA: **You mean out of YOUR league. They're, like, the nicest kids in town.

**JESSICA: **It's not like I care. _(looks like she does care)_

_(VAMPIRES go to center stage as CARLISLE enters the room and sings from the top of the stairs. All the vampires dance a routine that is very reminiscent of what the kids do in the Corny Collins Show in "Hairspray". They are all smiling, except Edward, who dances with a pained expression in his face.)_

**CARLISLE**:  
Oh, every afternoon  
When the clock strikes two

**VAMPIRES:  
**blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba

**CARLISLE:  
**A crazy bunch of vamps  
Crash through that door yeah

**VAMPIRES:  
**blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba

**CARLISLE:  
**Well they throw off their capes  
And leave the fangs behind  
And then they bite it, bite it, bite it  
Like they're losing their mind  
You'll never see them sleep  
'Cause they're the nicest vamps in town

**VAMPIRES:  
**ooooh oooooh oooh

**CARLISLE:**  
So every afternoon  
You read your crappy book

**VAMPIRES:  
**yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

**CARLISLE:  
**And we know you drool about us  
When your best friends are gone, yeah

**VAMPIRES:**

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

**CARLISLE:  
**And then you twist and shout  
For your favorite vamp  
And when you've practiced every line  
That's in your repertoire  
You better come on down  
And meet the nicest vamps in town

Nice pale vamps  
Who like to lead the way  
And once a month  
We have our "werewolf day!"  
And I'm the vamp who keeps it spinnin' round  
Dr. Carlisle Cullen  
With the latest, greatest Washington sound!!!

So every afternoon  
Drop everything woo!

**VAMPIRES:**  
Blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba

**CARLISLE:**

Who needs to go to college  
When you have Renesmée

**VAMPIRES:**  
Blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba

**CARLISLE:  
**Forget about your science  
And geometry  
You can always do your homework  
in a century  
Can't tell a verb from a noun  
They're the nicest vamps in town

Roll Call!!

_(a__ll the VAMPIRES get in line, and say their name when it is their turn. Each one has a distinctive pose, much like in the original song.)_

**VAMPIRES:**  
I'M ALICE!  
JASPER!  
ROSALIE!  
EMMETT!  
ESME!  
LAURENT!  
VICTORIA!  
JAMES!

TANYA!

IRINA!

ALEC, CHELSEA, AFTON, CORIN, DEMETRI, Aro, FELIX!  
CARMEN!  
KATE!  
AND I'M...EDWARD!

_(HUMAN GIRLS scream like they're losing their minds)_

**CARLISLE:**  
So, if every night you're stalking  
instead of being in bed

**VAMPIRES:**  
bloody bloody, ooh bloody bloody

**CARLISLE:**  
And the veins and arts  
Are pumping with your blood

**VAMPIRES:**  
Bloody-bloody, ooh, bloody-bloody

**CARLISLE:**  
Who cares about sleep  
When you can snooze in school?  
You'll never get to college  
But you'll sure look hot  
Don't need a cap and a gown  
When you're the nicest vamps in town  
Nicest vamps in...  
vamps in town!  
Woo!

_(__CARLISLE and VAMPIRES end their song in Broadway-style poses in center stage.)_

**BELLA: **Hmm, I have this hunch… Maybe, just maybe, these people could be vampires… or something.

**JESSICA: **Oh please, get real.

**ANGELA: **Yeah, who would get an idea like THAT?

**LEAH: **That Edward guy sure is hot, though

_(JESSICA, BELLA & ANGELA stare at LEAH. HUMAN GIRLS __stand up and continue the song, "Just Arrived", they stopped when the Cullens entered the room.)_

**BELLA, LEAH, AND ANGELA:**

THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND,

EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T KNOW IT

AND I'M SURE HE'S GONNA FACE IT

AND IT'S TIME I GET HIM

IT ALL STARTS NOW

(**BELLA: **RIGHT NOW!)

LOOK WHO'S CURRENTLY APPEARING

(**BELLA: **I CAN SEE OUR FUTURE WEDDING!)

THIS GIRL'S A WOW

(**LEAH: **I KNOW!)

ALL THE GOSSIP GIRLS AGREE

(**ANGELA: **NO WAY ANYONE IS GONNA TAKE MY ERICK AWAY FROM ME! WHOA WHOA!)

I'LL TAKE MY BOW

(**BELLA: **OH WOW! THAT'S ME! I'LL BE MRS. CULLEN!)

AND MY SCHOOL WILL ALL BE CHEERING JUST FOR ME!

**BELLA:**

HE'S JUST SO HOT

I AM REVIVED

NOW, PHOENIX OR FORKS

I'VE JUST ARRIVED!

HEY FORKS!

I'VE JUST ARRIVED!

**ANGELA: **Hurry Bella, we need to get to Bio class!

_(Music comes to an end with the whole class in Broadway pose__s as the Cullens ignore them. Bell rings and STUDENTS stand up to go to class. CURTAIN CLOSES)_

_(BELLA arrives at__ science class. Classroom looks like a disco, everyone dancing on their desks, including SCIENCE TEACHER, who is dressed like Elvis in a sequined lab coat. EDWARD sits still on his chair, ignoring the rest of the class, staring at his hands, which are rested on the desk in front of him.)_

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **Hi Bella!

**BELLA: **Hi Prof!

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **You wanna learn some stuff?

**BELLA: **Sure, Prof!

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **Jump in!

**BELLA:**

I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD

LIFE IN CLASSES, IT'S SO DAZZLING

YOU CAN READ MY NOTES, I AM NOT A NERD, THOUGH

THEY'RE SO LAME, SOMEONE KICK THEM OUT

**SCIENCE TEACHER:**

COME ON BELLA, LETS START LEARNING!

**BELLA:**

I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD

MYTHOCONDRIA, GOLGI SYSTEM

YOU CAN STARE AT THEM, IN A MICROSCOPE

EVERYBODY LISTEN, IT'S AN ECOSYSTEM

I'M A SMART, UGLY GIRL IN THIS CRUEL NEW WORLD

TEACH ME STUFF, I DON'T CARE, I'M NO NERD

**SCIENCE TEACHER:**

YOU'RE MY GIRL, ROCK N ROLL, FEEL THE MICROSCOPE LENS

HEAR ME TALK, LOOK AROUND, PASS THE TEST

**BELLA:**

TEACH ME STUFF, I DON'T CARE, IF YOU SAY I'M NOT A NERD

OOH OH OH

I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD

LIFE IN CLASSES, IT'S SO DAZZLING

YOU CAN READ MY NOTES, I AM NOT A NERD, THOUGH

THEY'RE SO LAME, SOMEONE KICK THEM OUT

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!

**BELLA: **AH AH AH, YEAH

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!

**BELLA: **OOH OH OOH! OOH OH OOH!

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!

**BELLA: **AH AH AH, YEAH

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!

**BELLA: **OOH OH OOH! OOH OH OOH!

_(Music continues in the background)_

**BELLA: **Oh Prof, I'm having so much fun!

**SCIENCE TEACHER: **Well Bella, just shut up and do the assignment.

**BELLA: **I love science! _(sits with EDWARD. He looks sick and doesn't want to be next to her)_

_  
_**EDWARD: **I, uh, have to go.

**BELLA: **What do you mean? _(outraged)_

**EDWARD: **Bye. _(Leaves)}_

**BELLA: **Fine! _(Stands up on desk, takes lab robe off to reveal silver clothes)_

I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD

LIFE IN CLASSES, IT'S SO DAZZLING

YOU CAN READ MY NOTES, I AM NOT A NERD, THOUGH

THEY'RE SO LAME, SOMEONE KICK THEM OUT

_(__Classmates & BELLA dance for the remaining bit of the song. When it ends, EDWARD stands up quickly, and leaves the room in a rush. BELLA looks at him leave with a pained expression in her face. FADE OUT & CURTAIN)_

_(ANGELA, JESSICA, and BELLA are hanging out at the cloudy courtyard, sitting on a bench. ANGELA is reading "Twilight", JESSICA is smoking a cigarette, BELLA is weeping dramatically)_

**ANGELA: **Hey Bella, what's wrong?

**BELLA: **Edward Cullen is, like, my labmate, he's totally hot, and he's, like, totally ignoring me.

**JESSICA: **_(smokes cigarette) _Get used to it, honey.

**BELLA: **It's just not cool, I think I, like, need to confront him. _(crosses arms and frowns)_

**JESSICA: **If I had a bra for every time he's ignored me, I'd be in the freaking Victoria's Secret fashion show. _(BELLA and ANGELA stare at JESSICA)_

**ANGELA: **She's got a point.

**BELLA: **I don't care, he, like, needs to know who's the boss, you know?

**JESSICA: **Or what? You'll die trying?! _(smiles maniacally, hopeful)_

**BELLA: **_(Looks at the audience dramatically)_ If that's what it takes… but I'm willing to wait a few books anyway.

**CLASSMATES SITTING AROUND THEM: **ARGH! _(Walk away)_

_(EDWARD walks out, sees BELLA, and turns around to go back inside.)_

**BELLA: **Hey! You! We need to talk!

**EDWARD: **Go away.

_("7 Things", by Miley Cyrus,__ starts to play, as BELLA positions herself in center stage. Bella says "Shut up" where Miley Cyrus says "sha".)_

**BELLA:**

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO SAY THIS

THAT AT TIMES I GET SO MAD

WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE LABMATE

RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE

IT IS AWESOME, BUT I'VE LOST IT

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME NOT TO CARE

AND NOW WE'RE STANDING IN THE COURTYARD

AND NOTHING'S EVER GONNA CHANGE UNTIL YOU HEAR

MY DEAR

THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU!

THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU, OH YOU!

YOUR HAIR

YOUR ABS

YOUR GOLDEN EYES

YOUR SKIN IS COLD AS ICE

YOU MAKE ME FAINT

YOU MAKE ME STALK

I GUESS THAT'S HOW I SHOW MY LOVE

YOUR BROS, THEY'RE HOT

WHEN YOU SIT WITH THEM, JUST KNOW IT HURTS

I WANNA BE WITH THE ONE I STALK

AND THE SEVENTH THING I LIKE THE MOST ABOUT YOU,

YOU MAKE ME LOVE YOU

**EDWARD: **Uh, that's like nine things.

**BELLA: **Shut up!

IT'S AWKWARD AND IT'S QUIET

AS WE SIT IN SCIENCE CLASS

WHAT I NEED YOU TO SAY NOW

IS HOW YOU LOVE ME BACK

IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT

IT'S NOT PROBLEM

I'M A STALKER

I CAN STALK YOU ANYWAY

OH I AM COMING BACK

YOU AIN'T TAKING SEVEN STEEEPS YEAAAH….

THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU!

YOUR HAIR

YOUR ABS

YOUR GOLDEN EYES

YOUR SKIN IS COLD AS ICE

YOU MAKE ME FAINT

YOU MAKE ME STALK

I GUESS THAT'S HOW I SHOW MY LOVE

YOUR BROS, THEY'RE HOT

WHEN YOU SIT WITH THEM, JUST KNOW IT HURTS

I WANNA BE WITH THE ONE I STALK

AND THE SEVENTH THING I LIKE THE MOST ABOUT YOU,

YOU MAKE ME LOVE YOU

**EDWARD: **Shut up!

**BELLA: **YOU DO OOOOH OOOOOH OOOOH

_(EDWARD looks around, all freaked out that BELLA is sing__ing like that, and telling him those things. Music ends.)_

**EDWARD: **Well hello there. _(smiles)_

**BELLA:** What? You like me now?

**EDWARD: **Oh yes. I can't live without you now. I am bipolar like that.

**BELLA: **Hmm… Okay, works for me. Wanna go to La Push this weekend?

**EDWARD: **Uh, no.

**BELLA: **Meh, okay.

_(FADE OUT &CURTAIN__)._

_(They are now in the La Push beach. Humans have a picnic, as the WEREWOLVES approach them, dressed in stereotypically Native American clothes.)_

**JACOB: **Hey Bella.

**BELLA: **Uh, who are you? _(not being nice)_

**JACOB: **I'm that weird kid that used to chase you around with mud pies a few years ago. I'm younger than you, but you're, like, totally hot.

**BELLA: **Aw thanks. Is that all you've got? _(disdainful)_

**JACOB: **No, I have random werewolf stories too, wanna hear them? _(desperate for BELLA's attention)_

**BELLA: **Whatever, Pocahontas.

_(WEREWOLVES start walking__ in military-inspired formations, music for "Who let the Dogs out", by Baha Men, starts.)_

**JACOB:**

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out

When the tribe was old, and all ancient (**WEREWOLVES: **Hey, Yippie, ah ooh)  
And everybody havin' a ball (**WEREWOLVES: **Hah, ho, Yippie ah ooh)  
I tell the pale ones "get the hell out" (**WEREWOLVES: **Yippie ah ooh)  
And the guys report to the call  
The poor tribe wolves down

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

**BELLA: **So you all are, like, werewolves?

**JACOB: **Yeah, but that's not the point.

**BELLA: **What is the point, kid?

**JACOB: **Did you not listen to the first couple of songs in this play? That Edward guy is a vampire, dude. He's really dangerous _(moves his hands to emphasize the word "dangerous")._

**BELLA: **Oh. Okay wait, you lost me. _(very distracted)_

**JACOB: **Just don't have sex with the vampire. _(annoyed)_

**BELLA: **WHY NOT?! Wait, who's the vampire, again?

**JACOB: **Sigh. One more time.

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out

Say, a vampire's nothing if he doesn't get blood (**WEREWOLVES: **All vampires drink blood, oh yes they drink blood)  
Edward is nothing if he doesn't drink your blood (**WEREWOLVES: **All vampires drink blood, oh yes they drink blood)

_(WEREWOLVES dance around with ethnic-looking drums and weapons)_

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

**BELLA: **So what you're saying is… Edward is totally hot?

**JACOB: **Are you even listening?

**BELLA: **Not really. Your bod is too distracting, you stud.

**JACOB: **Dude, I'm 15.

**BELLA: **Whatever. _(rolls eyes)_

**JACOB:**

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

Who let the wolves out  
(**WEREWOLVES: **woof, woof, woof, woof)

_(Music comes to an end as JESSICA & ANGELA approach BELLA, giving JACOB dirty looks__. The rest of the werewolves settle down to their own small picnics or leave the stage.)_

**ANGELA: **_(interrupts) _Hey Bella, we're going to Port Angeles to shop for no particular reason, because that's what teenage girls do, you know? Wanna get away from the weird kid-, I mean, come with us?

**BELLA: **Sure! But I totally don't want a dress. SO EMBARRASSING.

**JESSICA: **Whatever, jump in.

**BELLA: **Uhm, bye kid. _(doesn't really mind leaving him there)_

**JACOB: **Bye! We should totally get together in the next book! _(very excited)_

_(BELLA leaves JACOB behind, and runs away with JESSICA and ANGELA as the music for "Barbie Girl" plays softly in the background. FADE OUT & CURTAIN)_

_(BELLA & CLASSMATES are now in their school's parking lot, she is reading and ignoring her friends.)_

**BELLA: **Ohmygod, Edward is a vampire! Who would've thought?!

**CLASSMATES: **Uhm, all of us?

**BELLA: **Whatever, I'm a special snowflake. _(disdainful)_

**JESSICA****: **Yes, we are aware of your special needs. _(smokes cigarette)_

_(BELLA approaches EDWARD__, who is hanging out with his siblings.)_

**BELLA: **You're, like, some kind of bloodsucking vampire, right?

**EDWARD: **No.

**BELLA: **Ohmygod, yes you are.

**EDWARD: **No, I am not.

**BELLA: **Ugh, fine! _(runs crying to her truck, and sits on the floor next to it. Music for "The New Girl in Town" starts. JESSICA, ANGELA and LAUREN sing from center stage.)_

**JESSICA, ANGELA & LAUREN:**

Hey look out for Tyler's van  
Driving down our streets  
You better lock up your man  
Before he meets  
The new girl in Forks

**(JESSICA: ** Who just came on the scene)

The new girl in Forks

**(JESSICA:** Can't be more than eighteen)

And she's got a way of makin'  
A boy act like a clown  
Wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo  
We don't know what to do  
'Bout the new girl in Forks  
The new girl in Forks

(**ANGELA: **Seems to dance on feet)

The new girl in Forks

(**LAUREN: **She's got the palest skin)

You better tell the homecoming queen  
To hold on to her crown  
Wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo  
Or she's gonna lose it to  
The new girl in Forks

(**ANGELA: **She's HIP

**LAUREN:**so cool)

(**JESSICA: **I'm gonna get her after school!)

And yet we'd hate to be like her  
'Cause she's the dinner  
That the vamps prefer

_(LEAH, SUE, __and EMILY take the center of the stage, pushing ANGELA, JESSICA and LAUREN aside. Meanwhile, TYLER's van is parked on the right of the stage, and BELLA's truck is on the left.)_

**LEAH: **Two words: Step aside.

**LEAH, SUE & EMILY:**  
The new girl in Forks

(**LEAH: **Has my guy on a string)

The new girl in Forks

(**EMILY: **Hey look she's with the hot vamp)

I can't stop crying and so  
In my own tears I'm gonna drown  
Woof woof woof woof

(**LEAH: **Cause he wants to rendezvous)

With the new girl

(**EMILY: **We kinda sad and blue)

Yes it's true girl  
We'd like to say...  
To the new girl in Forks  
The new girl in Forks  
Woof woof woof woof  
From out of the BLUE girl  
This town's in a shake girl  
What a freakin dumb girl  
She ain't just passing through girl  
She's sticking like glue girl  
To the man I thought I knew girl  
Woof woof woof woof  
Hey look out for Tyler's van  
Look out, look out. Look out, look out!

_(TYLER's van__, which is made out of something extremely light like papier marché, slides towards BELLA, and EDWARD kicks it out of the way effortlessly, but hiding BELLA with it. Dramatic silence.)_

SHE WAS THE NEW GIRL IN…

_(BELLA comes out from behind the van)_

**BELLA:**I'm okay!

**CLASSMATES: **DAMN! _(annoyed and loud)_

**BELLA: **Ohmygod I hate crowds! I need an ambulance!

_(Ambulance arrives and technicians put a neck brace on BELLA. CHARLIE arrives)_

**CHARLIE: **Uh, you okay?

**BELLA: **Yeah Charlie. Don't worry about me.

**CHARLIE: **Cool, now call your mom and tell her.

**BELLA: **I was in deadly danger and you told my mom about it? Ugh, you are, like, so uncool, Dad.

**CHARLIE: **I know, I'm a parent, my job is to make your life much harder. _(smiles and pats her shoulder. BELLA screams in exagerated pain)_

**EDWARD: **Bella, come with me.

**CHARLIE: **Don't mind me. I'm just your dad, I have no authority whatsoever.

_(Everyone leaves the scene, as the scene changes to a meadow full of flowers, where BELLA & EDWARD have a moment together.__)_

**EDWARD: **So you know what I am?

**BELLA: **Spiderman?

**EDWARD: **No.

**BELLA: **Superman?

**EDWARD: **No. Sigh, didn't you listen to Carlisle's song earlier?

**BELLA: **Why does everybody keep telling me that?! My life isn't some kind of musical!

**EDWARD: **It was pretty well, that's about it.

**BELLA: **Oh okay… So are you Iron Man?

**EDWARD: **No. _(facepalm)_ I am a vampire. I have no personality, yet I am incredibly charming according to your biased opinion. Since you're the center of the world and everything.

**BELLA: **Oooh, that totally makes sense! You're, like, so hot.

**CLASSMATES: **_(come out from all sides of the scene briefly) _ABOUT TIME YOU FIGURED IT OUT, AIRHEAD! _(go back inside)_

**EDWARD: **I want you to see what I look like in the light.

**BELLA: **Uhm, okay.

_(Glitter starts falling over EDWARD like snow)_

**BELLA: **Ohmygod you're so beautiful and perfect and hot and beautiful and ohmygod perfect.

**EDWARD: **I AM A KILLER. _(dramatic emphasis on the word "killer")_

**BELLA: **Whatever, wanna make out?

**EDWARD: **Hmm. Okay. But after I tell you how I feel about you.

_(__The music for "You're Beautiful", by James Blunt, starts playing. EDWARD grabs a microphone mounted on center stage and starts singing, showing the least emotion possible, but moving a lot towards BELLA.)_

My bod is sparkly  
My love is dumb  
I saw an angel.  
Wait, it was you  
You smiled at me at science class  
You were with another man  
singing some weird song  
'I want your for me

You're prettyful, You're prettyful.  
You're prettyful, it's true.  
I saw your face in a crowded place,  
And I don't know what to do,  
'Cause I know I'll be with you.

Yeah, you caught my eye,  
You smelled really good.  
You could see from my face that I was,  
freakin bland

And I do know that I'll see you again,  
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're prettyful. You're prettyful.  
You're prettyful, it's true.  
I saw your face in a crowded place,  
And I don't know what to do,  
'Cause I know I'll be with you.  
You're prettyful. You're prettyful.  
You're prettyful, it's true.  
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,  
When she thought up that I should be with you.  
But it's time to face the truth,  
You should never be with me.

**EDWARD: **And uhm, I want you to meet my family.

**BELLA: **But what if they don't like me?!

**EDWARD: **You smell good, they'll love you, we haven't had human blood in yea- Oh wait, you didn't mean that, am I right?

**BELLA: **Doesn't matter, come 'ere.

_(BELLA & EDWARD kiss as the scene fades to black and the curtain drops)_

_(BELLA & EDWARD enter the CULLEN mansion holding hands. The mansion is white, and has very little furniture, except for a white piano and large stairs in the center of the stage. Can be the same stairs used in the cafeteria, but adapted to look more luxurious, like the mansion itself.)_

**EDWARD: **I need to go contemplate the misery of my immortality, I shall be right back.

**BELLA: **Sure honey!

_(__BELLA sits on a white couch at the left of the stage. ROSALIE enters the room from the top of the stairs, and BELLA stares at her in amazement. "Vogue", by Madonna, starts playing.)_

**ROSALIE:**

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

_(ROSALIE strikes various couture poses as more female vampires come out behind her and do the same. ALICE, ESME, TANYA, IR__INA, CARMEN & KATE are behind her, at first in silhouette only, striking a new pose with every word)_

Strike a pose.  
Strike a pose.  
Vogue, vogue, vogue  
Vogue, vogue, vogue

Look around everywhere you turn is hotness  
It's everywhere that you go (**VAMPIRES: **look around)  
You try everything you can to escape  
The ugliness that you own (**VAMPIRES: **life that you know)

When all else fails and you long to be  
Something better than you are today  
I know a bite that will make it go away  
It's being a vampire, and here's what it's for, so

_(FEMALE VAMPIRES walk to the front__ of the stage in line, like on a runway. ALICE is wearing a metallic bandage dress and leggings. ESME is dressed in a 50's-style frock with an apron and her hair in a beehive. TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN, & KATE are wearing fur coats. ROSALIE is wearing a sparkly, red evening gown)_

Come on, vogue  
Let your body move to the music (**VAMPIRES: **move to the music)  
Hey, hey, hey  
Come on, vogue  
Let your body go with the flow (**VAMPIRES: **go with the flow)  
You know you can do it

All you need is to get a vampire hickey  
So use it that's what it's for (**VAMPIRES: **that's what it's for)  
Go inside, for your finest inspiration  
Your dreams will open the door (**VAMPIRES: **open up the door)

_(ROSALIE __and FEMALE VAMPIRES start voguing in BELLA's general direction. ROSALIE is trying to intimidate her, BELLA is stunned.)_

It makes no difference if you're black or white  
If you're a boy or a girl  
If the venom's pumping it will give you new life  
You're a hot vampire, yes, that's what you are, you know it

Come on, vogue  
Let your body move to the music (**VAMPIRES: **move to the music)  
Hey, hey, hey  
Come on, vogue  
Let your body go with the flow (**VAMPIRES: **go with the flow)  
You know you can do it

Beauty's where you find it  
Not just where you bump and grind it  
Soul is not in the musical  
That's where I feel so beautiful  
Magical, life's a ball  
So get up on the mansion

Come on, vogue  
Let your body move to the music (**VAMPIRES: **move to the music)  
Hey, hey, hey  
Come on, vogue  
Let your body go with the flow (**VAMPIRES: **go with the flow)  
You know you can do it

Vogue, (**VAMPIRES:**Vogue)  
Beauty's where you find it (**VAMPIRES: **move to the music)  
Vogue, (**VAMPIRES:**Vogue)  
Beauty's where you find it (**VAMPIRES: **go with the flow)

Lindsay Lohan, and Hillary  
Britney and Christina  
Blake Lively, Leighton Meester  
On the cover of a magazine

Ashley Tisdale; and Demi  
Picture of a beauty queen  
JONAS BROTHERS, Taylor Swift  
MIley Cyrus, dance on air.

They have style, they have grace  
Alexis Bledel gave good face  
Anne Hathaway, Selena too  
Amanda Bynes, we love you

Ladies with an attitude  
Vampires that were hotness too  
Don't just stand there, let's get to it  
Strike a pose, there's nothing to it

Vogue, vogue, vogue, vogue

Oooh, you've got to  
Let your body move to the music  
Oooh, you've got to just  
Let your body go with the flow  
Oooh, you've got to just,  
Vogue!

_(M__usic ends with ROSALIE on center stage, posing in a very aloof manner, and the rest of the female vampires around her, doing the same.)_

**BELLA: **Whoa… You guys are, like, so hot.

_(EDWARD enters the room from behind BELLA's couch)_

**EDWARD: **I am back.

**BELLA: **Oh hey, how'd the soul search go?

**EDWARD: **Same as always, my soul is dammed. Oh hi Rosalie, Alice, Esme, Tanya, Irina, Kate, Carmen.

**ROSALIE: **What is the human doing here? _(disgusted)_

**ESME: **Does she want cookies? _(cheerful)_

**EDWARD: **Bella is my girlfriend now.

**ROSALIE: **WELL THAT IS JUST GREAT! _(breaks a vase)_

**EDWARD: **Bella, you can ignore Rosalie. I do. She's kind of a bitch.

**ROSALIE: **Hey, don't spoil my next song!

**EDWARD: **Oh, sorry. Uhm, we have to go.

**BELLA: **You mean this is it? Are your parents all these hot lesbians or something?

**EDWARD: **Oh, right, there's also Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett. _(CARLISLE, JASPER & EMMETT come out briefly, say hi to the audience, and leave again.)_

**TANYA: **Oh, uhm, we're outta here. We kindda don't make an appearance until three books later. Tootles!

**ESME: **Bye chickies! We must get together again sometime!

**CARLISLE: **Bella, we only met you a few minutes ago, but you're part of the family now!

**BELLA: **Yay!

_("We are family"__, by Sister Sledge, starts to play. The CULLENS make a formation around BELLA, who remains in the center)_

**ESME: **Yes, we love you now, Bella!

**CULLENS:**

WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS

**(BELLA: **EXCEPT ME!)

I GOT ALL THE FAM WITH ME

WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS

**(BELLA: **EXCEPT ME!)

BELLA IS NOW ONE OF US

WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS

**(BELLA: **EXCEPT ME!)

I GOT ALL THE FAM WITH ME

WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS

**(BELLA: **EXCEPT ME!)

GET READY FOR THE NEW CULLENS!

_(Song ends with the CULLENS & BELLA in Broadway poses__ in center stage, CURTAIN CLOSES. Brief intermission)_


	3. Act II: New Moon & Eclipse

**ACT II: New Moon & Eclipse**

_(The curtain opens as the music for "Good Morning Baltimore", from Hairspray, starts and STEPHENIE says her first line.)_

**STEPHENIE: **Three-book deal?! How am I supposed to come up with new stuff to do to these characters?! Oh well, I can try…

_(As BELLA comes out from the left of the stage, STEPHENIE sits back down on her desk, which is still located on the right of the stage. BELLA is dressed for school, but her hair, in a wig, is high and very reminiscent of Tracy Turnblad's hair from Hairspray. She is VERY happy.)_

**BELLA:**  
Oh,Oh,Oh  
Woke up today  
feeling the way I never do  
Oh,Oh,Oh  
THIRSTY for something that I can't drink

_(BELLA takes glass with red liquid, stares at it with disgust, pretends to faint, and puts it back on the counter)_

Then I hear that beat  
that rythm of town  
starts hauLING me down  
It's like a message from Edward love  
Oh,Oh,Oh  
Pulling me out to the smiles and  
streets that I hate..

Good Morning Washington  
Every day is an emo day  
Every night is a stalking night  
Every sound's like my lullaby

Good Morning Washington  
and some day when I take to the floor  
The world's gonna wake up and see  
Eddykins and Me

_(BELLA __walks up to a mirror)_

Oh,Oh,Oh  
look at my hair what 'do can compare  
with mine today..

_(BELLA admires her own 60's style hairstyle on said mirror)_

Oh,Oh,Oh  
I got my ipod and vampire love

_(BELLA shows off her iPod and a picture of EDWARD, and puts them back inside her backpack. The scene changes to a street, and the WEREWOLVES, dressed as werewolves, come up and do circles around her, generally acting like her puppies.)_

I'm ready To GO  
The wolves on the street all dance around myself  
They seem to say "Bella, it's up to you"  
So,Oh,Oh  
Don't hold me back cause today all my  
dreams will come true.

_(JACOB is now working out on the left of the stage, and CHARLIE is drinking beer on a bar stool on the right of the stage)_

Good Morning Washington  
There's the werewolf who lives next door _(JACOB __says hi)_  
There's my dad on his bar room stool _(CHARLIE __says hi)_  
They wish me luck on my way to school

Good Morning Washington  
and some day when I take to the floor  
the world's gonna wake up and see  
Eddykins and Me

_(People behind BELLA show signs with pictures of bite marks and words such as "O-", "O+", "AB+", and other blood types. The CULLENS come out with party hats, and a cake)_

I know every bite, I know every blood  
I know that's the place where I belong  
I see all those party lights  
shinning ahead, so please don't invite  
me or I will drop dead

**(CULLENS: **OR SHE WILL DROP DEAD)

_(BELLA __goes up to EDWARD)_

So,Oh,Oh  
Give me a bite cause when I get all hot

I'm a movie star

Oh,Oh,Oh  
something inside of me makes me drool  
When I hear Jakeypoo

_(BELLA__ lets go of EDWARD and puts her arm around JACOB's neck)_

Edward tells me no  
but my heart tells me go  
It's like a drummer inside my heart  
So,Oh,Oh  
don't make me wait one more moment  
for my life to STOP

**(CULLENS:**  
Good Morning  
Good Morning  
Don't make me wait for my life to STOP)

_(BELLA__ goes to sing on center stage, while everyone else positions themselves in groups around her, EDWARD and JACOB on her left and right, respectively)_

I Love You Washington  
Every day's like an open door  
Every night is a stalking night  
Every sound's like my lullaby  
and I promise Washington  
that some day when I take to the floor  
The world's gonna wake up and see  
gonna wake up and see

Eddykins and me! _(BELLA leans on EDWARD and lets go of him)_  
Jakeypoo and me! _(BELLA leans on JACOB and lets go of him)_

Uh, I mean…  
ONE OF THEM and me!

_(BELLA grabs both EDWARD and JACOB by the waist and walks forward. Then she lets go of JACOB, pushing him away, and turns to talk to EDWARD. The rest of the crowd stays there, interacting with each other.)_

**BELLA: **Hey Edward!

**STEPHENIE: **Hmmm what random thing can we do now…?

**EDWARD: **We need to break up. I am no good for you. Goodbye. _(EDWARD walks off stage. The crowd follows him silently)_

**BELLA: **_(Her wig falls off, showing her straight, boring hair. She is now alone on stage) _This is some kind of joke, right? Right? Right? _(music for "My Immortal", by Evanescence, starts) _I can't lose my boyfriend now, I'm 18, I'm getting, like, old and wrinkly! 

I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

_(__ANGELA, dressed as a witch and holding a Jack-o-lantern in one hand, walks across the stage with a sign that says "October" in ornate letters. She says hi to BELLA, and is ignored by her.)_

When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears  
When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears  
And you held my hand through all of these weeks  
But you still have  
All of me

_(__JESSICA, dressed as a pilgrim and holding a turkey on her right hand, walks across the stage with a sign that says "November" in ornate letters. Dry leaves fly around her. She rolls her eyes at BELLA.)_

You still do captivate me  
By your cute and sparkling light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once existing life  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me

_(__CHARLIE, dressed like Santa Claus, walks across the stage with a sign that says "December" in ornate letters. He says hi, very animatedly, to BELLA. She ignores him.)_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

_(__MIKE & ERICK walk across the stage drinking champagne and patting each other on the back, holding a sign that says "January" in ornate letter. They say hi to BELLA very excitedly, and are ignored too.)_

When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears  
When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears  
And you held my hand through all of these weeks  
But you still have  
All of me

_(BELLA __gets into fetal position in center stage as the music ends. __Curtain CLOSES)_

_(__When it opens again, it is CHARLIE's house, and BELLA__is still sitting by herself on center stage. CHARLIE walks in)_

**CHARLIE: **Bella?

**BELLA: **What?

**CHARLIE: **Get your lazy butt off that floor and go have some fun!

**BELLA: **You want me to get into trouble?

**CHARLIE: **Sure, whatever, it's not like you'll get pregnant by a vampire or something.

**BELLA: **Fine, Charlie. _(starts to get up)_

**CHARLIE: **Oh wait, Jacob is here. You remember Jacob, right? That pre-teen Native American boy that totally has the hots for you?

**BELLA: **Dad, are we talking about boys?

**CHARLIE: **Guess not. Come in, Jake!

_(JACOB walks in just as CHARLIE walks out)_

**JACOB: **Hey there, Bells!

**BELLA: **Do I look like a metallic instrument to you? Bah, whatevs, Jacob. Whoa, you're tall. _(stares distractedly into space)_

**JACOB: **Wanna have some fun? We can jump off cliffs and ride motorcycles or something!

**BELLA: **_(giggles) _Tall.

**JACOB: **Bella?

**BELLA: **Oh, right. Jake, you and I know that you hate Edward, and I'm sorry, but I can't talk about anything or anyone else, so I know you'll end up hating me anyway! _(sobs into a pillow) _And you're so freakin tall!

**JACOB: **No…. I like _(spits) _Edward…

**BELLA: **No you don't!!! Liar!!! Tall liar!!!

**JACOB: **Fine, you want the truth?

**BELLA: **Okay! _(annoying smile)_

_(Music for "Girlfriend", by Avril Lavigne starts. JACOB and other WEREWOLVES dance like Avril Lavigne and her backup dancers in their music video during the chorus. )_

**JACOB:**

Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I don't like your boyfriend  
No way, no way.  
I think you need a new one.  
Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I could be your boyfriend

Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I totally like you  
No way, no way.  
You know it's not a secret.  
Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I want to be your boyfriend

You're so fine,  
I want you mine.  
You're so delicious,  
I think about you all the time,  
You're so addictive.  
Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?  
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn gorgeaus,  
And hell yeah,  
I'm your other hottie boyfriend  
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right.

He's like so whatever,  
And you could do so much better.  
I think we should get together now,  
And that is what our dads are talking about.

Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I don't like your boyfriend.  
No way, no way.  
I think you need a new one.  
Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I could be your boyfriend.

Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I TOTALLY LIKE YOU,  
No way, no way.  
You know it's not a secret.  
Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I want to be your boyfriend.

I can see the way,  
I see the way you look at me.  
And even when you look away I know you think of me.  
I know you talk about me all the time again and again,  
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear.  
Better yet make those voices disappear,  
I don't want to hear you say his name ever again.

He's like so whatever,  
And you could do so much better.  
I think we should get together now,  
And that is what our dads are talking about.

Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I don't like your boyfriend.  
No way, no way.  
I think you need a new one.  
Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I could be your boyfriend.

Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I TOTALLY LIKE YOU,  
No way, no way.  
You know it's not a secret.  
Hey, hey.  
You, you.  
I want to be your boyfriend.

_(__Music ends, and WEREWOLVES walk off stage after dancing behind JACOB)_

**BELLA: **Uhm, that was a bit harsh.

**JACOB: **You said you wanted the truth, there it is.

**BELLA: **I'm sorry Jake, I mean, I love you too and everything, but there's something I need you to know.

_(BELLA picks up a guitar and never plays it, it is just an accessory. The music for "Don't say you love me", by M2M, starts in the background.)_

Got introduced to you by my dad  
You were cute and all young  
Baby, you set the trend  
Yes, you did, oh  
The next thing I know, we're down at the rez  
We're sittin' there, you said you love me  
What's that about?

You're growin' too fast; I don't understand you  
YOU'RE SO FREAKIN TALL

Baby, I can't pretend  
No, I can't  
The best I can do is tell you to talk to me  
It's impossible, uneventual  
I love Edward, though  
(I love Eddykins!)

Don't say you love me  
You don't know what love is  
If you really want me  
Then get the hell out  
Don't go there, baby  
Not before you're EIGHTEEN  
Don't say your heart's in a hurry  
It's not like we're gonna get married  
Get the, get the hell out.

Here's how I play, here's where you stand  
Here's what to prove  
To get any further than where it's been  
I'll make it clear; not gonna tell you twice  
Take it slow; you keep pushing me  
You're pushing me away  
(Go back to La Push)

Don't say you love me  
You don't know what love is  
If you really want me  
Then get the hell out  
Don't go there, baby  
Not before you're EIGHTEEN  
Don't say your heart's in a hurry  
It's not like we're gonna get married  
Get the, get the hell out.

(Oh, oh, oh)  
**BELLA:** Sorry Jake, it's just not on.  
(Oh, oh, oh)  
**BELLA: **I kindda do still love you, though.

Don't say you love me  
You are way too little, baby

(Baby, don't say you love me)  
(Hey, baby)  
If you really want me  
Then get the hell out  
(Get the get the hell out)

Don't say you love me  
You don't know what love is  
If you really want me  
Then get the hell out  
Don't go there, baby  
Not before you're EIGHTEEN  
Don't say your heart's in a hurry  
It's not like we're gonna get married  
Get the, get the hell out.

_(__Music ends with BELLA facing JACOB and pretending to play her guitar, not really succeeding)_

**JACOB: **And you're calling me harsh…

**BELLA: **Sorry, that's just the way it is. Did I mention you're, like, tall?

**JACOB: **Meh, wanna be best friends anyway? We can pretend we don't love each other and that there's no complicated love triangle around us.

**BELLA: **Okay! _(annoying smile)_

**JACOB: **Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?

**BELLA: **You will if Edward comes back, and he totally is! _(giggles)_

_(STEPHENIE giggles in unison. Curtain Closes)_

_(Curtain opens, with EDWARD and ALICE on the left side of the stage, and JACOB and BELLA on the right side. ALICE is trying on new clothes in front of a body-length mirror, EDWARD is just sitting there on a white chair. BELLA is hugging JACOB and being generally romantic in a picnic. They have a basket, sandwiches, and drinks.)_

**BELLA: **You know we're just friends, right?

**JACOB: **Oh yeah, we're just friends that like to hold hands and cuddle.

**ALICE: **Do I look good in silver? I think it makes me look pale.

**EDWARD: **You look fine, Alice. Bella looks great in any color.

**ALICE: **Oh just shut up about the little human already.

**BELLA: **Ohmygod!

**JACOB: **What?

**BELLA: **I can't stand Edward's absence anymore, I will jump off a cliff!

**ALICE: **Ohmygod!

**EDWARD: **What?

**ALICE: **Bella can't stand your absence anymore and will jump off a cliff!

_(BELLA runs off the stage)_

**JACOB: **Wait! _(runs after her)_

**ALICE: **She jumped.

**EDWARD: **I cannot stand this existence anymore. I shall go to Italy to get myself murdered by the Volturi.

_(CARLISLE walks in briefly)_

**CARLISLE: **The Volturi are like the vampire royal family. They live in Italy and make sure all of us behave!

**CARLISLE, ALICE & EDWARD: **The more you know!

_(CARLISLE walks out just as EDWARD runs off stage in the opposite direction of where BELLA went. BELLA walks back in, drenched, followed by JACOB. They both look very annoyed.)_

**JACOB: **Aren't you grateful I saved you?

**BELLA: **Not really, it just means another few days without Edward!

**ALICE: **Ohmygod! _(walks over to BELLA) _You know, Edward just went to Italy to kill himself because he thought you had jumped off a cliff.

**BELLA: **What?! But I'm the one that does all the pointless dramatic stuff! And I kindda did jump. _(flustered)._

**ALICE: **Whatever, wanna come save him? I need to run some errands in Milan, some of these clothes are way too baggy. _(looks at JACOB with disgust) _You can leave your dog here.

**BELLA: **Meh, don't mind him, lets go!

_(ALICE and BELLA leave JACOB alone)_

**JACOB: **Oh Charlie, guess what Bella's been up to! _(walks out in the opposite direction of where BELLA and ALICE went.)_

_(Curtain closes)_

_(Curtain opens in Italy, the background can be anything stereotypically Italian, like the tower of Pisa or some flying pizzas. The Volturi and EDWARD are singing and dancing to "Mamma Mia", by ABBA.)_

**ARO: **

I've been cheated by you since I dont know when

_(__ARO and the VOLTURI dance in agreement with each other, behind EDWARD)_

**EDWARD: **

So I made up my mind, it must come to an end  
Look at me now, will I ever learn?  
I dont know how but I suddenly lose control  
Theres some sparkle within my soul  
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring  
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh

_(EDWARD takes out a picture of BELLA, and looks at it every time he says "Bella Mia.")_

BELLA mia, here I go again  
My my, how can I resist you?

BELLA mia, does it show again?  
My my, just how much I've missed you  
Yes, I am brokenhearted  
pale since the day he bit me  
Why, why did I ever let you go?  
bella mia, now I really know,  
My my, I could never let you go.

_(BELLA and ALICE walk in hurriedly.)_

**BELLA: **Ohmygod, there's Edward!

**ALICE: **Quick, go get him while I return some clothes, I mean, before it's too late!

_(The stage is suddenly crowded by hoards of Italians during a fair. BELLA struggles to get past them, and gets pushed to the front multiple times. EDWARD is still singing from the right of the stage.)_

**EDWARD: **

I've been angry and sad about the things that I do  
I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through  
And when I go, when I slam the door  
I think I know that I won't be away too long  
You know that I'm not that strong.  
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring  
One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh

BELLA mia, here I go again  
My my, how can I resist you?

BELLA mia, does it show again?  
My my, just how much I've missed you  
Yes, I am brokenhearted  
pale since the day he bit me  
Why, why did I ever let you go?  
BELLA mia, even if I say  
Bye bye, i'll leave you forever  
bella mia, its a game I play  
Bye bye doesnt mean forever.

BELLA mia, here I go again  
My my, how can I resist you?

BELLA mia, does it show again?  
My my, just how much I've missed you  
Yes, I am brokenhearted  
pale since the day he bit me  
Why, why did I ever let you go?  
bella mia, now I really know,  
My my, I could never let you go.

_(A__s the music ends,__BELLA finally gets to EDWARD)_

**BELLA: **Ohmygod, Edward!

**EDWARD: **Bella!

**BELLA: **Edward!

**EDWARD: **Bella!

**BELLA: **Edward!

**ALICE: **Alice!

**ARO: **Okay! Enough already! Edward Cullen, why is this human of yours not a vampire yet?

**STEPHENIE: **_(walks in holding a clipboard and a pen)_ Okay, Aro, please don't meddle with the drama, I need to drag it on for two more books, so yeah…

**ARO: **Oh, wonderful, sorry about the interruption. Carry on, kids!

**EDWARD: **Thank you. Bella!

**BELLA: **Edward!

**EDWARD: **Bella!

**BELLA: **Edward!

_(Curtain close.)_

_(Curtain opens back at the Cullen house. EDWARD, ROSALIE, ALICE, JASPER, EMMETT, CARLISLE and ESME are sitting down on their round dinner table, with BELLA sitting on the center of the table. Yes, on top of it.)_

**BELLA: **So, like, can I become one of y'all now?

**ROSALIE: **Hell no, bitch!

**CARLISLE: **Rosalie…

**ALICE: **You guys are kindda running out of time…

**JASPER: **I agree.

**ESME: **Who wants cookies?

**EMMETT: **I do!

**BELLA: **But I wanna be a vampire!

**EDWARD: **I just want her to enjoy being human a while longer… _(Dramatic hand-on-chest gesture)_

**STEPHENIE: **Yes please.

**CARLISLE: **And so it has been decided, Bella shall be human until Stephenie decides she can stop dragging on this story.

**BELLA: **Who?

**EDWARD: **Lets go for a walk, love.

_(Cullen house disappears and is replaced by the forest. CULLENS walk out. BELLA and EDWARD run into JACOB.)_

**JACOB: **Oh, hey.

**BELLA: **Oh hi, gossip boy, why'd you tell my dad about our adventures? I mean, ignoring the fact that I'm not supposed to know this.

**EDWARD: **Adventures?

**JACOB: **Because you left me alone for him!

**BELLA: **Well duh, he's EDWARD.

**STEPHENIE: **I know, right?

**EDWARD: **Obviously.

**JACOB: **Well, I'm Jacob, and Bella told me she loved me!

**EDWARD: **She did not!

_(Music for "One Way or Another" starts)_

**JACOB: **Oh yes she did!

One way or another, I'm gonna find her  
I'm gonna get 'er, get 'er, get 'er, get 'er

**EDWARD: **  
One way or another, I'm gonna win her  
I'm gonna get 'er, get 'er, get 'er, get 'er

**JACOB: **  
One way or another, I'm gonna see her  
I'm gonna meet 'er, meet 'er, meet 'er, meet 'er

**EDWARD:**  
One day maybe next week, I'm gonna stalk her  
I'm gonna stalk her, I'll stalk her!

**JACOB: **  
I will drive past her house

and if the lights are all down  
I'll see who's around  
One way or another, I'm gonna find her  
I'm gonna get 'er, get 'er, get 'er, get 'er

**EDWARD:**  
One way or another, I'm gonna win her  
I'll get 'er, I'll get 'er

**JACOB:**  
One way or another, I'm gonna see her  
I'm gonna meet 'er, meet 'er, meet 'er, meet 'er

**EDWARD:**  
One day maybe next week ,I'm gonna stalk her  
I'll meet her, duh  
And if the lights are all out

I'll follow your truck downtown  
See who's hangin' out

_(JACOB and EDWARD are physically fighting over BELLA, each one tugging at one of her arms while she smiles distractedly)_

**JACOB:**  
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'  
I'm gonna give you the slip  
A slip of the lip or another I'm gonna lose ya'  
I'm gonna trick ya', I'll trick ya'

**EDWARD:**  
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'  
I'm gonna trick ya', trick ya', trick ya', trick ya'  
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'  
I'm gonna give you the slip

**BELLA:**  
I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall  
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call  
Lead you to the supermarket checkout, some specials and lipgloss  
Get lost in the crowd  
One way or another you're gonna get me

You'll get me  
You'll get me, get me, get me, get me

Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call

One way or another you're gonna get me

You'll get me  
You'll get me, get me, get me, get me

_(CURTAIN CLOSES)_

_(CURTAIN OPENS __again at the Cullen house. The CULLENS are hanging out around the house, just as EDWARD and BELLA walk in)_

**ALICE: **Ohmygod!

**JASPER: **What?

**ALICE: **The Volturi are coming to get Bella!

_(Phone rings. ESME picks up)_

**ESME: **Ohmygod!

**EDWARD: **What?

**ESME: **The Volturi are coming to get Bella!

**ROSALIE: **I still think we don't need a phone.

**EDWARD: **Bella, we need to get you out of here.

**BELLA: **Okay, Eddykins. But uhm, what is happening now?

_**(**__Music for "Oops!... I did it again!", by Britney Spears, starts.)_

**EDWARD: **More evil vampires are coming to get you.

**BELLA: **YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

**EDWARD: **They want to kill you, Bella!

**BELLA: **YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

I think I did it again.

I made them believe  
I'm all interesting

_(BELLA __removes her coat to reveal red clothes underneath. She leans on EDWARD every time she says "Oh Eddy.")_

Oh, Eddy;  
I might seem like so much  
But it doesn't mean  
That I'm not boring  
'Cause to lose all my senses...  
That is just so typically me  
Oh, Eddy, Eddy…

Oops! ... I did it again.  
I played with their minds  
Got lost in their game.  
Oh, Eddy, Eddy…  
Oops!... they think I'm trouble.  
That I'm sent from below...  
I'm not that threatening

You see my problem is this:  
I'm dreaming away;  
Wishing that boyfriends, they truly exist.  
I cry watching the months.  
Can't you see I'm a fool  
In so many ways?

(**ROSALIE: **Uh, yeah)

But to lose all my senses...  
That is just so typically me.  
Eddy, oh.

Oops! ... I did it again.  
I played with their minds  
Got lost in their game.  
Oh, Eddy, Eddy  
Oops!... they think I'm trouble.  
That I'm sent from below...  
I'm not that threatening

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

**EDWARD: **Carlisle, get the cars and limos started, we're taking her away!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

**CARLISLE: **All aboard!

**EDWARD: **Bella, before we go, there's something I want you to have.

**BELLA: **Oh, it's beautiful! But wait a minute, isn't this... ?

**EDWARD: **Yes. Yes, it is.

**BELLA: **But I thought Esme dropped it into the ocean in the end...

**EDWARD: **Well, Bella, I went down and got it for you.

**BELLA: **Aw, you shouldn't have. Really. I hate jewelry. Like, seriously.

**ALICE & ROSALIE: **

Oops! I!

**BELLA:**  
Did it again to their minds  
Got lost  
In their game; oh, Eddy  
Oops! They  
Think that I'm sent from below...  
I'm not that threatening!

Oops! ... I did it again.  
I played with their minds  
Got lost in their game.  
Oh, Eddy, Eddy…  
Oops!... they think I'm trouble.  
That I'm sent from below...  
I'm not that threatening

Oops! ... I did it again.  
I played with their minds  
Got lost in their game.  
Oh, Eddy, Eddy…  
Oops!... they think I'm trouble.  
That I'm sent from below...  
I'm not that threatening

_(Just as BELLA is saying the word "Threatening" at the end of her song, JACOB enters the room through the top of the stairs)_

**JACOB: **Uhm Bella…

**BELLA: **Oh hey tall dude.

**JACOB: **I just heard how a bunch of evil vampires are coming to get you. Do these leeches mind if we fight for you too?

**BELLA: **Whatevs, ask them.

**JACOB: **Leeches, do you mind if us, werewolves, fight for Bella too? I love her!

**EDWARD: **Bella, would you be happy if these… dogs… fought for your honor next to us?

_(BELLA is too distracted playing with a random book on the floor.)_

**JACOB: **Is that a yes?

**EDWARD: **I think it is, she is so special, my dear Bella, I can't even read her mind.

**ROSALIE: **Maybe she doesn't have one!

**JACOB: **Uh, okay, I guess I'll just call my brothers then.

**ROSALIE: **Do what you want, dog! _(breaks bottle of wine)_

_(JACOB howls loudly. Other werewolves: SETH, EMBRY, QUIL, SAM, LEAH, SUE and EMILY come in dressed as werewolves.)_

**JACOB: **Guys, and uh, girls, we must fight for Bella now!

**LEAH: **One word: why?

**JACOB: **Uh, because I say so?

**LEAH: **Two words: Hell no.

**JACOB: **But she's _Bella!_

**LEAH: **Three words: I don't care.

**JACOB: **Ohmygod Leah, you're so annoying!

**LEAH: **Two words: Oh really?

**JACOB: **Anyone else?

**SAM: **Well, she's Bella, we don't really have a choice.

**STEPHENIE: **I know, right?

**SAM: **We shall fight for her!

**SETH: **Yeah, I wanna destroy some vampire flesh!

**LEAH: **One word: Marble.

**EMBRY & QUIL: **Yeah!

**SUE & EMILY: **We used to hate Bella, but now we totally like her!

**STEPHENIE: **What's not to like?!

**SUE & EMILY: **Exactly!

_(LEAH and ROSALIE facepalm. Music for "We Go Together", from the musical Grease, starts to play.)_

**JACOB: **We're all together now!

**CARLISLE: **Forever and ever!

**BELLA: **Yay!

**EDWARD & BELLA:**

We go together like  
leeches and dogs  
fighting for Bella  
remembered for ever like  
those weird hotties that Smeyer created

**EDWARD, BELLA, ALICE & JACOB:**  
Risking our lives for some random girl  
That's the way it should be

**WEREWOLVES:**

Aah oooh yeah!

**CULLENS: **  
We're one of a kind  
we're veggie vampires  
like people eat tofu  
Our names are signed  
Cullen Cullen Cullen Cullen  
that's our name, oh oh  
Although we're different weirdos  
We'll always be like one  
Blood-blood-blood-blooooood!

**WEREWOLVES:**  
When we go out at night  
And stars are shinin' bright  
Up in the skies above  
Or at the campfire dance  
Where you can find imprints

**JACOB:**

Maybe it might be Beh-eh-eeh-eh-ella

**ALICE:**  
Maybe this dress is a little too tight for me

**ROSALIE:**  
Maybe this human is not worth the trouble

**LEAH:  
**Bloodsucker girl here has a point

**SETH:**  
Leah, you're such a fun-sucker

**EMMETT:**  
Anything for my girl, Bella, the human

**ROSALIE**  
Ohmygod, what the hell are you saying?!

**CARLISLE:**  
This is Bella we're talking about!

**ESME:**

Maybe I should start baking this second

**QUIL:**  
I would like SOME chocolate cookies

**EMBRY:**  
And some scones and blueberry muffins

**SAM: **  
Ohmygod I am all hungry now!

**EMILY:**  
You should've said so before leaving the house!

**EDWARD:**  
Missing the point?

**BELLA:**  
It's all about me!

_(WEREWOLVES and VAMPIRES mix during the dance in the musical interlude. It greatly resembles what the cast of Grease does at the same moment.)_

**EVERYONE:**  
We're for each other like  
the stinkiest creatures in the whole universe  
Just like my brother is  
woof woof woof or sucking my blood  
Even if we have no plot  
We'll always be together  
Aah oooh yeah!  
We'll always be together  
We'll always be together  
We'll always be together

_(Music ends, everyone leaves the stage hugging each other in a very friendly way, and STEPHENIE is still writing on her desk)_

**STEPHENIE: **What? I know nothing happened, but that's the story, OKAY? Just deal with it!

_(CURTAIN CLOSES)_


	4. Act III: Breaking Dawn

**ACT III: Breaking Dawn**

_(Curtain opens in outdoors Forks, with the people from the town around the stage, and Bella and Edward walking together. Music is "Something There", from Beauty & the Beast. Everyone makes references with their hands to their stomachs, implying that BELLA is probably getting married because she got pregnant. )_

**STEPHENIE: **Maybe it's finally time to release all the stuff I wanted to steal from fanfiction…

**ANGELA:**  
There's something weird  
And almost kind  
But she was nice and he was hot and so refined

**JESSICA:**  
But now she's rich, and confident  
I wonder why I didn't see it there before

**EDWARD**:  
Come on Bella, lets go get you a new car.

**MIKE:**  
She glanced this way  
I thought I saw  
And when they touched she didn't shudder at his hand

**ERICK:**  
No it can't be, we'll just ignore  
But then she's never looked at him that way before

**EDWARD:** Bella, I have something to show you. But first, you have to close your eyes. It's a surprise!

**BELLA:** I hate surprises!

**EDWARD:** Alright, alright. Here! _(gives her a huge diamond ring)_

**BELLA:** I can't believe it! I've never seen such an embarrassing thing in my entire life!

**EDWARD:** You like it?

**BELLA: **It's humiliating!

**EDWARD:** It's yours!

**BELLA:**  
New and a bit alarming  
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?  
True that he is Prince Charming  
And there's nothing in him that I simply didn't see

**BELLA:** Fine, I'll wear it, but just because I love you.

**EDWARD:** Okay.

**BELLA:** JUST because I love you, I totally hate jewelry. _(glances lovingly at her ring)_

**EDWARD:** No, that's alright. _(tries to take the ring)_

**BELLA:** No, really, I hate it.

**EDWARD:** Uh, okay.

**BELLA: **No, seriously.

**EDWARD:** It's okay.

**BELLA:** You had never given me jewelry before.

**EDWARD:** You wouldn't let me, because of the nonsense your friends would think.

**BELLA:** Well now we gotta tell my parents, ohmygod they're so scary.

**CHARLIE:**  
Well, who'd have thought?

**RENÉE:**  
Well, bless my soul

**CHARLIE**  
Well, who'd have known?

**RENÉE:**  
Well, who indeed?

**CHARLIE:**  
And who'd have guessed that you'd get pregnant on your own?

**RENÉE:**  
It's so peculiar. Wait and see

**CHARLIE:**  
We'll wait and see

**RENÉE & CHARLIE:**  
A few months more  
There may be something there that wasn't there before

**MIKE:**  
Perhaps there's something there  
That wasn't there before

**SETH:** What?

**LEAH:**  
There may be something there that wasn't there before

**SETH: ** What's there, Leah?

**LEAH: ** Ssh. I'll tell you when you're older. Come along now. Let's give them some privacy...

**SETH**: Leah?

**LEAH:** _(sigh) _Yes, Seth?

**SETH:** Will we get to protect that thing growing inside Bella's stomach?

**LEAH:** Oh hell no.

**SETH:** When will we know?

**STEPHENIE:** Soon. If it's to be. It will be very soon now. Go along, son.

**SETH: **Leah, who is that strange woman?

_(Curtain closes)_

_(Curtain opens at ALICE's room, which is completely decorated in white and silver. Bella is sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, wearing a robe and her hair in a bun.. Alice is running around the room choosing dresses and makeup for BELLA.)_

**ALICE: **Ohmygod this is so exciting, you are getting married, Bella!

**BELLA: **I wish I was excited. _(Melancholic)_

**ALICE: **How can you not be excited? You get to wear all this expensive jewelry, the awesome dress I designed for you! _(holds up a huge white dress)_

**BELLA: **I guess I'm just not a material girl.

_(ALICE stares at BELLA from behind her shoulder as the music for "Material Girl", by Madonna, starts in the background. JASPER and EMMETT come out and dance around ALICE, responding to whatever she does.)_

**ALICE: **Bella, I believe it is time for the bridesmaid to give you a well-needed lesson in being a girl.

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me  
I think they're OK  
If they don't give me proper credit  
I just bite their necks

They can beg and they can plead  
But they can't see the light,

**(JASPER & EMMETT**: that's right, THAT'S RIGHT)

'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash  
Is always Mister Right, 'cause we are

Living in a material world  
And I am a material girl  
You know that we are living in a material world  
And I am a material girl

Some boys sparkle, some boys bleed out  
That's all right with me  
If they can't raise my interest then I  
Have to let them be

Some boys try and some boys lie but  
I don't let them play

(**JASPER & EMMETT**: NO WAY, NO WAY)

Only boys who save their pennies  
Make my cloudy day, 'cause they are

Living in a material world  
And I am a material girl  
You know that we are living in a material world  
And I am a material girl

_(BELLA puts on her wedding dress and stands up to dance between JASPER and EMMETT)_

**BELLA, JASPER & EMMETT:**

Living in a material world  
Living in a material world

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

**ALICE:**  
BUCKS may come and boys may go  
And that's all right you see  
Experience has made me rich  
And now they're after me, 'cause everybody's

Living in a material world  
And I am a material girl  
You know that we are living in a material world  
And I am a material girl  
Living in a material world  
And I am a material girl  
You know that we are living in a material world  
And I am a material girl

**BELLA, JASPER & EMMETT:**  
A material, a material, a material, a material world  
Living in a material world  
Living in a material world

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD.

**ALICE: **Do you get it now? Marrying Edward means you get whatever you want!

**BELLA: **So that's how this marriage thing works, huh? Sounds fun!

**ALICE: **I know, right?! Now lets get you read for him to see you.

_(CURTAIN CLOSES as ALICE goes to fix BELLA's hair and put some more jewelry on her.)_

_(CURTAIN OPENS back at the CULLEN house, with the stairs in the middle of the stage. When the music for "Get the Party Started", by Dame Shirley Bassey, the shorter version used in the promo for the 4__th__ cycle of Australia's Next Top Model, starts, ALICE and the CULLENS start descending the stairs, dressed for the wedding, and in a manner that is very reminiscent of their Thriller entrance. After them, BELLA and CHARLIE descend. When the singing starts, ALICE gets on a pedestal that is in the center of the stage, as everyone around her gets into couples and dance around her in a very old-fashioned and solemn way. EDWARD and the rest of the vampires dance effortlessly, barely making any faces. BELLA is freaked out, but doing the movements without much thought or tripping)_

**ALICE: **

Get this wedding started on a Saturday night  
Everybody's waitin' for you to arrive

YOU got lotsa style, check your white wedding dress  
It can go for miles, I chose it, I even called the press

You're comin' up so we better get this wedding started  
You're comin' up so we better get this party started

Sendin' out the message to all of your friends  
We'll be looking flashy in your Mercedes Benz  
You got lot of style, check your gold diamond rings  
That can go for miles, it's a Volvo ohmygod  
Get this party started on a Saturday night  
Everybody's waitin' for you to arrive

You're comin' up so we better get this wedding started  
**(BELLA: **I'm comin'up, I'm comin')

you're comin' up so we better get this party started

Pumpin up the volume, breakin' down to the beat  
Cruisin' through our mansion  
We'll be checkin' the scene  
Boulevard is freakin' as I'm runin' up fast  
I'll be serving champagne, we'll be kissin' your butt  
Pull up to the bumper, get out of the car  
License plate says Edward is my own Superstar

Wow!

You're comin' up so we better get this wedding started  
**(BELLA:** I'm comin'up, I'm comin')  
You're comin' up so we better get this party started

Get this wedding started, get this party started,  
Get this wedding started, get this party started

**STEPHENIE: **_**(**__still writing, voice with echo) _Alice Cullen is back, with a whole new concept, a whole wedding for Edward and Bella Cullen. Be prepared for the event of the century.

_(Music ends, and all the attendees walk around the room, mingling and drinking wine. EDWARD and BELLA are together the entire time. JESSICA is obviously drunk and dancing on top of a table with SETH. ROSALIE, EMMETT, ALICE and JASPER are sitting on a table, talking animatedly. LEAH is flirting with CHARLIE, while he ignores her. EDWARD and BELLA go to the center of the stage to talk)_

**EDWARD: **Bella, it seems like my wedding gift to you has been successful.

**BELLA: **What are you talking about?

_(JACOB approaches her from behind)_

**JACOB: **Hey Bells.

**BELLA: **I said I'm not a metallic instrument! _(turns, sees JACOB, pushes EDWARD aside to get to JACOB). _Ohmygod Jake!

**JACOB: **I see you're, ugh, married.

**BELLA: **Yep.

**JACOB: **Cool.

**BELLA: ** And I'm having SEX tonight. With EDWARD. You jealous?

**JACOB: **What the hell are you talking about?! Ohmygod, this is sick, it's disturbing, I can't, I can't, I can't stand it!

**SAM: **Jake, we need to go.

**SETH: **Yeah, you can't lose it in front of the girls.

_(SETH and SAM drag JACOB off the stage while he twitches with rage.)_

**BELLA: **Hmm, that could've gone better.

**EDWARD: **The poor dog is still horny and wants you.

**BELLA: **Yeah, poor dude. But I have you now! _(throws self into EDWARD's arms. He catches her.)_

**EDWARD: **Maybe it's time for our… wedding night.

**BELLA: **Yay!

_(CURTAIN CLOSES)_

(CURTAIN OPENS at Isle Esme, which is basically an island full of white furniture. There is a king-size bed in the middle of the stage, and both BELLA and EDWARD are in their pajamas. BELLA is sitting on the bed, EDWARD is staring out a window.)

**BELLA: **Aren't you gonna come over, Edward?

**EDWARD: **Maybe. In a second. I am… nervous.

**BELLA: **But why? This scene will just fade to black the minute you get here!

**EDWARD: **It's just that… I'm… I mean, I have never… I'm… a virgin.

**BELLA: **_(giggles) _Oh, wait, uhm, you're serious… How old are you?

**EDWARD: **Seventeen.

**BELLA: **How long have you been seventeen?

**EDWARD: **… A while.

**BELLA: **You're a 100-year-old virgin?

_(Music for "Like a Virgin", by Madonna, starts in the background. EDWARD sings the song to BELLA.)_

**EDWARD: **I'm afraid so.

I made it through the wilderness  
Somehow I made it through  
Didn't know how lost I was  
Until I found you

I was hot, dazzling  
I was done, I was sad and pale  
But you made me feel  
Yeah, you made me feel  
Sparkly and new

I'm a virgin  
Touched for the very first time  
Hundred-year-old virgin  
When your heart beats  
Next to me

Gonna give you all my love, girl  
My fear is fading fast  
Been saving it all for you  
cause only love can last

You're so fine and you're mine  
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold  
Oh your love thawed out  
Yeah, your love thawed out  
What was hard and cold

I'm a virgin

(**BELLA: **Hey!)  
Touched for the very first time  
Hundred-year-old virgin  
With your heartbeat  
Next to me  
Oooh, oooh, oooh

You're so fine and you're mine  
I'll be yours till the end of time  
cause you make me feel  
Yeah, you make me feel  
I've nothing to hide

I'm a virgin

(**BELLA: **Hey!)  
Touched for the very first time  
Hundred-year-old virgin  
With your heartbeat  
Next to me

I'm a virgin, ooh, ooh  
I'm a virgin  
Feels so good inside  
When I hold you, and your heart beats, and I love you  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh  
Ooh, baby!

_(EDWARD gets on the bed, and the lights turn off instantaneously)_

**EDWARD:** Wow, it really did fade to black.

**BELLA: **Told ya!

_(CURTAINS CLOSE.)_

_(CURTAINS OPEN again. BELLA is doing her hair hair in front of a mirror, while EDWARD reads a book on the table. __BELLA has a pregnant belly.)_

**BELLA: **Hmm, I wonder what is happening. I mean, I always have to vomit in the morning, I'm craving eggs, and I have a small but definite bump on my belly. What do you think, Edward?

**EDWARD: **Huh?

**BELLA: **I always have to vomit in the morning, I'm craving eggs, and I have a small but definite bump on my belly. Maybe it's that fried chicken I ate…

**EDWARD: **Probably.

**BELLA: **Ohmygod!

**EDWARD: **What?

**BELLA: **I think I'm pregnant!

_(EDWARD's cellphone rings. He pics up)_

**EDWARD: **Ohmygod!

**BELLA: **What?

**EDWARD: **Alice says she saw you getting pregnant with my vampire baby. But that is imposible!

**BELLA: **How can this be?! I mean, we only had unprotected sex, like, ten times!

**EDWARD: **We must go back to Forks, away from anyone that might see us. Carlisle will know what to do.

**BELLA: **Ohmygod, give me that phone!

**EDWARD: **What?

**BELLA: **Give me your damn phone!

**EDWARD: **Uh, okay… _(gives the phone to BELLA)_

_(BELLA screams into the phone)_

**BELLA: **Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalie!

**EDWARD : **Uhm you have to dial first…

**BELLA: **Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalieeee!!!!

_(CURTAIN CLOSES)_

_(CURTAIN OPENS at the Cullen Mansion. ROSALIE is admiring herself in a mirror, JASPER and EMMETT are playing chess, and CARLISLE and ESME are watching TV. Suddenly, ALICE runs down the stairs.)_

**ALICE: **Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!

**JASPER, EMMETT, CARLISLE, ESME & ROSALIE: **What?

**ALICE: **Bella is pregnant with Edward's vampire baby, and they're coming home!

**ROSALIE: **Oh yes, this is my chance!

**EMMETT: **Uh, for what?

**ROSALIE: **I'm gonna steal Bella's baby and keep it after she dies! Mwahahaha!!! Oh wait, you weren't supposed to hear that… I'm, uhm, excited about the baby. That's all.

**EMMETT: **Whatever, honey.

**CARLISLE: **She got pregnant? With Edward's baby? How is this possible?

**STEPHENIE: **You don't wanna know, just go on with the story!

**ESME: **Maybe I should start warming up the milk bottles right away. Or does a half-vampire baby drink bottles with blood? This is such a dilemma!

_(EDWARD and BELLA enter through the top of the stairs. BELLA is already extremely pregnant. ROSALIE runs to meet them)_

**ROSALIE: **Bella, are you alright?! Can I get your baby, I mean, can I get you anything?!

**EDWARD: **She's fine, Rose.

**ROSALIE: **I. Was. Not. Talking. To. You.

**BELLA: **I'm fine, I just want some… blood. _(maniac eyes)_

**EDWARD: **Bella, are you sure…?

**BELLA: **Ohmygod yes, it sounds so appetizing.

**ROSALIE: **I'll get you some blood! Emmett, bring her some blood!

**EDWARD: **Why are you so keen on taking care of Bella?

_(Music for "I'm a Bitch", by Meredith Brooks, starts in the background.)_

**ROSALIE: **Lets just say I have my own reasons…

I hate BELLA today  
She's so good to me  
I know but I can't change  
Tried to tell you  
But you look at me like maybe  
I'm an angel underneath  
Innocent and sweet  
Yesterday I tried  
tried to be relieved to see  
your pregnant sight  
I can't understand how you'd be so confused  
I do envy you  
I'm a little bit of everything  
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a vampire  
I'm a teen, I'm a model  
I'm a sinner, I'm no saint  
I do not feel ashamed  
I'm your hell, I'm your dream  
I'm nothing in between  
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am  
This may mean  
You'll have to give me that hell child  
Rest assured that  
When I start to make you nervous  
And I'm going to extremes  
Tomorrow I will change  
And today won't mean a thing!

I'm a bitch, I'm a vampire  
I'm a teen, I'm a model  
I'm a sinner, I'm no saint  
I do not feel ashamed  
I'm your hell, I'm your dream  
I'm nothing in between  
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

**EDWARD: **Rose, you are not keeping our baby.

**ROSALIE: **Oh really? You're gonna raise a baby alone? I'd like to see you try!

**EDWARD: **Bella and I don't need you!

**ROSALIE:**  
Just when you think, you got me figured out  
The season's already changing  
I think it's cool, you do what you do  
And don't try to ignore me

I'm a bitch, I'm a vampire  
I'm a teen, I'm a model  
I'm a sinner, I'm no saint  
I do not feel ashamed  
I'm your hell, I'm your dream  
I'm nothing in between  
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease  
I will get that Renesmée  
When you hurt, when you suffer  
I'm your angel undercover  
I've been numb, I'm revived  
Can't say I'm not alive  
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

_(Music ends with ROSALIE maniacally patting and rubbing BELLA's pregnant stomach)_

**BELLA: **It's alright Rosalie, you can have Renesmée or Edwob if I die in the process.

**EDWARD: **But Bella, I will make you a vampire in time!

**BELLA: **Whatever, we need some in-laws drama around here.

_(JACOB enters through the top of the stairs)_

**JACOB: **Okay, I am ready to kill you all, so get in line.

**BELLA: **Hey Jake!

**JACOB: **Ohmygod, vampire dude got you pregnant! I, uh, need to go!

**BELLA: **Aw, he's probably gonna ask his mom how babies are made.

_(CURTAIN CLOSES.)_

_(CURTAIN OPENS in the forest, where the werewolves are together around a campfire. JACOB comes running.)_

**JACOB: **Ohmygod, Edward got Bella pregnant! I am heartbroken!

**SAM: **Hmm, maybe we should send them flowers…

**JACOB: **Don't you understand? A vampire got a human pregnant!

**SAM: **Yeah, so…?

**JACOB: **We don't know what kind of beast the baby Is gonna turn into!

**LEAH: **Oh, and that blonde vampire beeyotch is gonna get the baby, right? I want that baby!

_(EVERYONE stares at LEAH)_

**LEAH: **Two words: Leave me alone.

**SETH: **Uh, Leah…

**LEAH: **Shut up.

**SAM: **You mean… this monster could come after our children and eat them alive?!

**JACOB: **Uh, I don't know, maybe.

_(Music for "The Mob Song", from Beauty & the Beast, starts in the background.)_

**SAM: **What is this beast called?

**JACOB:** Renesmée.

_(WEREWOLVES scream.)_

**SETH: **What does that even mean?

**LEAH: **Is it dangerous?

**JACOB: **I hope not, but it's freakin scary! We can't hurt it without hurting Bella… She's my friend…

**SAM:** If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster.

**JACOB: **She's no monster, Sam. You are!

**SAM:** He's as crazy as Leah! He says this creature and its mother are his friends. Well, I've hunted vampires and I've seen what they can do. The beast will make off with your children.

_(WEREWOLVES gasp)_

**SAM: **It'll come after them in the night.

**JACOB: **She will never!

**SAM: **Forget the flowers, I say we kill the beast!

**WEREWOLVES: **Kill it!

_(Music for "The Mob Song" really starts now)_

**SAM:** We're not safe until it's dead!

**QUIL:** It'll come stalking us at night!

**SUE: **Set to sacrifice our children to its monstrous appetite!

**EMBRY: **He'll wreak havoc in La Push if we let it wander free!

**SAM:**  
So it's time to take some action, boys

(**LEAH: **Uh…)  
It's time to follow me  
Through the mist, through the woods  
Through the darkness and the shadows  
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride  
Say a prayer, then we're there  
At the drawbridge of a mansion  
And there's something truly terrible inside  
It's a beast! Its got fangs  
Razor sharp ones!  
Dirty diapers, killer claws for the feast  
Hear it roar! See it foam!  
But we're not coming home 'til it's dead--  
Good and dead!  
Kill the beast!

**JACOB: **I won't let you do this!

**SAM: **Try and stop us!

**JACOB: **Seth, this is all my fault. I have to go back and warn them!

**SETH: **I'm coming with you

**JACOB: **No!

**LEAH: **I lost you once, I won't lose you again!

_(EVERYONE stares at LEAH)_

**JACOB: **Then we'd better hurry.

**SAM: **We'll rid the world of this beast! Who's with me?

**WEREWOLVES: **I am! I am! I am!  
Light your torch! Mount your horse!

**SAM: **Screw your courage to the sticking place!

**WEREWOLVES: **We're counting on our Sam to lead the way!

**SUE & EMILY:**

Through a mist, through a wood  
Where within a haunted mansion  
Something's lurking that you don't see ev'ry day!

**WEREWOLVES:**  
It's a beast! One as small as a pillow  
We won't rest 'til it's good and deceased  
Sally forth! Tally ho!  
Grab your fur! Grab your paws!  
Praise the Lord and here we go!

_(Scene changes from the forest to the outside of the CULLEN mansion, WEREWOLVES grab a tree trunk and slam the door with it.)_

Let's kill the Beast!  
Kill the Beast!  
Kill the Beast!  
Kill the Beast!

_(Music ends and CURTAIN CLOSES)_

_(CURTAIN OPENS inside the CULLEN mansion, where it is dark. BELLA is on a hospital bed with a lit candle next to her. The thumping on the door can be heard)._

**BELLA: **I think there's someone at the door… Ohmygod, I am starting to feel the pain of childbirth!!!

**EDWARD: **This may be too graphic!

_(EDWARD pulls a light blue hospital sheet around BELLA's bed. Suddenly, the door opens, and the WEREWOLVES get into the house.)_

**SAM: **This place is so scary…

**LEAH: **One word: Totally.

**SETH: **Leah, I'm scared.

**JACOB: **Come on, you guys, and uh, girl. _(turns on the lights)_

_(BELLA screams from behind the hospital sheet)_

**JACOB: **Ohmygod, she's there! _(pulls the sheet apart, BELLA is on the bed, covered in blood, RENESMEE comes out, and the music for "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee", from Grease, starts immediately)_

**RENESMÉE:**

LOOK AT ME, I'M RENESMÉE

LOUSY WITH PERFECTIONNESS

WON'T GO TO BED,

TILL MY MOM SAYS OKAY

I CAN'T, I'M RENESMÉE

WATCH IT, HEY I'M SHIRLEY TEE

_(RENESMEE starts tap dancing)_

I'M ALWAYS BETTER THAN THEE

I'M SO UNIQUE AND MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE SHIT

I DANCE LIKE SHIRLEY T…

I DON'T CRY, OR POOP

I DON'T POISON YOU

I CAN SLEEP FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT

OH OH OH

KEEP YOUR FILTHY PAWS, OFF MY SILKY DIAPERS

_(RENESMEE goes up to JACOB)_

WOULD YOU TRY THAT OUT WITH MY MOM?

AS FOR YOU, MY JACOB BLACK

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA DO

YOU GOT YOUR PRINT, I'M NO OBJECT OF LUST

I'M JUST PLAIN RENESMÉE

JACOB, JACOB, LET ME BE!

KEEP THAT PELVIS FAR FROM ME

I'M JUST A CHILD, AND YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND

HEY, PEDOPHILE

I'M RENESMÉE

_(WEREWOLVES are stunned, while BELLA and EDWARD stare lovingly at RENESMEE)_

**LEAH: **Oookay… That was a bit unexpected.

**SETH: **Yeah, no kidding.

**JACOB: **She's… so… just, so…. Pretty!

**LEAH: **Ohmygod, you're imprinting on a baby, you perv!

_(A single light illuminates JACOB for a few seconds, until the music for "Honey, Honey", by ABBA, the version from the musical "Mamma Mia", starts playing)_

**JACOB: **

Nessie, Nessie,

how you thrill me, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,  
Nessie, Nessie,

nearly killed her, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

I'd heard about you before  
I wanted to know some more  
And now I know what they mean, you're a pretty babe  
Oh, you make me dizzy

Nessie, Nessie,

let me feel it, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(**WEREWOLVES: **Ah ah, ah ooh!)  
Nessie, Nessie,

Don't conceal it, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(**WEREWOLVES: **Ah ah, ah ooh!)

The way that you cry at night  
(the way that you cry at night)  
The way that I hold you tight  
(the way that I'm holding you tight)  
I feel like I wanna sing when you do your thing!

_(RENESMEE tap dances in front of JACOB)_

Nessie, Nessie,

touch me, baby, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(**WEREWOLVES: **Ah ah, ah ooh!)  
Nessie, Nessie,

hold me, baby, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(**WEREWOLVES: **Ah ah, ah ooh!)

You look like a movie star  
(you look like a movie star)  
And I am imprinting on you  
(I am imprinting on you)  
And, honey, to say the least, you are Bella's kid!

Nessie, Nessie,

how you thrill me, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(**WEREWOLVES: **Ah ah, ah ooh!)  
Nessie, Nessie,

nearly killed her, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(**WEREWOLVES: **Ah ah, ah ooh!)

I'd heard about you before  
I wanted to know some more  
And now I know what they mean, you're a pretty babe

_(M__usic ends with JACOB on his knees in front of RENESMEE.)_

**JACOB: **You guys, I think I've imprinted on my dear Nessie! _(strokes RENESMEE's hair)_

**LEAH: **You think? We all know breaking out singing random Abba songs is part of imprinting.

**SAM: **Totally, right Dancing Queen?

**EMILY: **Yeah, baby.

**BELLA: **Ohmygod, you pervert! Leave my baby alone!

**RENESMÉE: **Don't worry, Mom. We can share him!

**BELLA: **Okay, that isn't sick and disgusting at all!

_(Music for "Does your mother know", by ABBA, starts in the background. ROSALIE, RENESMEE, and BELLA get up and start dancing around JACOB. BELLA is wearing a silver robe)_

**BELLA: **Hey Jake.

**ROSALIE: **What's up, dog?

**RENESMEE: **You know you like this.

_(RENESMEE gets close to JACOB, teasing him)_

**RENESMEE :**

You're so hot, teasing me  
So you're tall but I can't take a chance on a guy like you  
That's something I couldn't do

_(BELLA starts dancing sexily around JACOB. He can't take his eyes off RENESMEE. BELLA sings to JACOB.)_

**BELLA:**  
There's that look in your eyes  
I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild  
Ah, but Jake, you're only a child

_(RENESMEE tap dances around JACOB)_

**RENESMEE:**  
Well I can dance with you honey  
If you think it's funny  
Does my mother know that you're out?

_(BELLA grabs JACOB and dances with him)_

**BELLA: **  
And I can chat with you baby  
Flirt a little maybe  
Does my daughter know that you're out?

_(ROSALIE starts singing to JACOB from behind him, into his ears. He is just watching RENESMEE tap dance)_

**ROSALIE: **  
Take it easy (**BELLA & RENESMEE: **take it easy)  
Better slow down, dog  
That's no way to go  
Does her mother know?  
Take it easy (**BELLA & RENESMEE: **take it easy)  
Try to cool it, dog  
Take it nice and slow  
Does her daughter know?

**RENESMEE: **Come on, Wolves!

_(WEREWOLVES dance around JACOB, RENESMEE, and BELLA)_

**RENESMEE:**  
I can see what you want  
But I am pretty young to be searching for that kind of fun  
So maybe I'm not the one

**BELLA:**  
Now you're so cute, I like your style  
And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile (**RENESMEE: **Smile)  
But Jake, you're only a child

**RENESMEE:**  
Well I can dance with you honey  
If you think it's funny  
Does my mother know that you're out?

**BELLA:**  
And I can chat with you baby  
Flirt a little maybe  
Does my daughter know that you're out?

**ROSALIE: **  
Take it easy (**BELLA & RENESMEE: **take it easy)  
Better slow down, dog  
That's no way to go  
Does her mother know?  
Take it easy (**BELLA & RENESMEE: **take it easy)

Try to cool it, dog  
Take it nice and slow  
Does her daughter know?

**RENESMEE:**  
Well I can dance with you honey  
If you think it's funny  
Does my mother know that you're out?

**BELLA:**  
And I can chat with you baby  
Flirt a little maybe  
Does my daughter know that you're out?

_(Music ends with RENESMEE and BELLA each hugging one of JACOB's LEGS and ROSALIE with one of his arms.)_

**JACOB: **Nessie, do you want something to drink?

**BELLA: **Well that's just great, you perv! Tall perv!

**ROSALIE: **Don't worry Bella, our daughter, I mean, Renesmée, seems to be doing fine. That dog is a nice kid, right?

**BELLA: **Yeah, but he's mine! He's supposed to want ME!

**STEPHENIE: **Hey, I needed a way to ditch Jacob so you could be with Edward. Don't complain about it now!

**BELLA: **Hmm, I hear this strange voice that is telling me that this ending totally makes sense. Oh well, can't argue with the voices inside my head.

_(TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN, and KATE enter the room through the top of the stairs, smiling distractedly.)_

**TANYA: **Hey family! Just dropping by because we need a cup of sugar… What is that? _(Points at RENESMEE)_

**RENESMEE: **Hello, I am Renesmée, daughter of Edward and Bella. Nice to meet you! _(smiles and curtsies)_

**IRINA: **Ohmygod, you are so busted! _(runs away)_

**CARMEN: **Uh, where is Irina going?

**KATE: **Yeah, who's busted?

**TANYA: **The vampire baby, they're, like, illegal.

**CARMEN: **Oh, awkward…

**KATE: **Yeah…

**TANYA: **We, uh, have to go. Tootles!

**ESME: **Bye, chickies!

**RENESMEE: **Was it something I said? _(sad)_

**JACOB: **No Nessie, you are just perfect the way you are.

**BELLA: **Hmm, lets just hope she doesn't tell the Volturi.

_(CURTAIN CLOSES)_

(CURTAIN OPENS back in Italy, where the VOLTURI are sitting on a round table, each with a small cup in front of them)

**ARO: **Okay, so the next activity in the Volturi agenda is… Drinking blood at tea time, to honor our British members! Okay, carry on.

_(As they are about to sip their cups, IRINA runs into the room, screaming ARO's name)_

**IRINA: **Aro! Aro! Aro! Aro! Ohmygod, Aro!!!

**ARO: **Sigh, what's wrong now, Irina?

**IRINA: **Uh, Edward, the Cullens, and Bella, baby, diapers, werewolves, immortal child, Abba, cup of SUGAR!

**ARO: **Okay, I'm gonna need you to slow down, Irina. What's wrong? Did the Cullens kill another one of your evil boyfriends?

**IRINA: **They have a vampire baby!

_(Music for "Be Prepared", from the Lion King, starts in the background as ARO talks.)_

**ARO:** I never thought babies were essential. They're crude and unspeakably plain. But vampire babies are even more evil and dangerous… Especially with freaks like the Cullens.

I know that your powers of retention  
Are as wet as a werewolf's backside  
But thick as you are, pay attention  
My words are a matter of pride  
It's clear from your vacant expressions  
The lights are not all on upstairs  
But we're talking kings and successions  
Even you can't be caught unaware

So prepare for a chance of a lifetime  
Be prepared for sensational news  
A shining new era  
Is tiptoeing nearer

**JANE:**  
And where do we feature?

**ARO:**  
Just listen to Aro  
I know it sounds sordid  
But you'll be rewarded  
When at last I am given my dues  
And injustice deliciously squared  
Be prepared!

**ALEC: ** Yeah, be prepared. Yeah-heh... we'll be prepared, heh. ...For what?

**ARO: **For the death of Renesmée.

**ALEC: ** Why? Is she sick?

**ARO: ** No, fool-- we're going to kill her. And Bella too.

**JANE: ** Great idea! Who needs a hell child?

**ALEC & JANE: **No freak! No freak! la--la-la--la-laa-laa!

**ARO: ** Idiots! There will be a freak!

**ALEC: ** Hey, but you said, uh...

**ARO: ** I will take the baby! ...Stick with me, and you'll never go scared again!

**ALEC & JANE: ** Yaay! All right! Long live Aro!

**VOLTURI: **ARO! ARO! ARO! ARO!  
It's great that we'll soon be connected.  
With a babe who'll be all-time adored.

**ARO: **

Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected  
To take certain duties on board  
The future is littered with prizes  
And though I'm the main addressee  
The point that I must emphasize is  
You won't get a sniff without me!  
So prepare for the cutest babe ever  
(**VOLTURI: **Oooh!)  
Be prepared for the most awesomest girl  
(**VOLTURI: **Oooh... La! La! La!)  
Meticulous planning  
(We'll have food!)  
Tenacity spanning  
(**VOLTURI: **Lots of food)  
Decades of denial  
(**VOLTURI: **We repeat)  
Is simply why I'll  
(**VOLTURI: **Endless meat)  
Be king undisputed  
(**VOLTURI: **Aaaaaaah...)  
Respected, saluted  
(**VOLTURI:**...aaaaaaah...)  
And seen for the wonder I am  
(**VOLTURI:**...aaaaaaah!)  
Yes, my fangs and ambitions are bared  
(**VOLTURI: **Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo)  
Be prepared!

**VOLTURI:**  
Yes, our fangs and ambitions are bared  
Be prepared!

**IRINA: **Does that mean you'll kill Bella? Huh? HUH?

**ARO: **No, it means Alice Cullen's vision from a few months ago will come true. We shall go see this baby first. _(evil laughter)_

_(CURTAIN CLOSES)_

_(CURTAIN OPENS back at the CULLEN mansion, where JACOB is bring food to RENESMEE and BELLA on a silver tray. The rest of the CULLENS are lounging around the house.)_

**BELLA: **I must say this imprinting thing is kindda fun.

**RENESMEE: **I know, mom!

_(Someone knocks on the door)_

**BELLA: **Hmm sounds like a tree trunk is hitting the door or something. Jacob, go see who it is!

**JACOB: **Nessie, am I allowed to leave you for a few seconds?

**RENESMEE: **Sure, Jakeypoo.

**JACOB: **Aw, Nessie!

**BELLA: **Ugh, nickname-stealer.

_(JACOB opens the door. The VOLTURI and IRINA walk in silently and position themselves around RENESMEE. There is dead silence for a few seconds)_

**IRINA: **That's the thing!

**RENESMEE: **Hello, I am Renesmée, daughter of Edward and Bella. Nice to meet you! _(smiles and curtsies)_

**IRINA: **Look, she's doing it again!!!

**ARO: **This is the vampire baby?

**IRINA: **Just look at her, she's so scary!!!

_(RENESMEE smiles and curtsies again. There is silence for a few seconds, then ARO leans in and starts squeezing RENESMEE's cheeks)_

**ARO: **Aww, aren't you a cute baby, aren't you a cute baby?!

**JANE: **Your hair is so pretty!

**ALEC: **She is so pretty!

**IRINA: **This can't be happening. _(facepalm)_

**ROSALIE: **Welcome to my world.

**ARO: **Edward Cullen, is your wife a vampire by now?

**EDWARD: **Yes, don't you see how hot she is now?

_(BELLA opens her robe to reveal very small and tight dress)_

**BELLA: **Hell yeah, I am!

**ARO: **Then I guess everything is okay. Irina, you should go back on your medications, just in case… Bye everyone!

**ESME: **Bye Aro, nice to see you again!

**CARLISLE: **Say hi to the boys from me!

**BELLA: **Yay! I can see this is the beginning of our forever!

_(Music for "Ever Ever After", by Carrie Underwood, starts. Everyone gets into their respective groups, vampires on the left side of the stage, and werewolves on the right side)_

**BELLA:**

Dazzling ever after!

(Sparkly!)

Romantic endings, mythology coming true

(Ever after!)

**EDWARD:**

Deep down inside we want to believe we can too!

**JACOB:**

In our secretest heart, it's our favorite part of the novel

**ALICE: **

Let's just admit we all want to make it too

**EVERYONE:**

Dazzling ever after!

**RENESMEE:**

If we just don't get it our own way

**EVERYONE**

Dazzling ever after

**ROSALIE:**

It may only be a page away

**ALICE: **

Start a new fashion wear your heart on your sleeve

**JACOB:**

Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe

**ARO, ALEC & JANE:**

Unafraid, unashamed

There is joy to be claimed in this world

**LEAH:**

You even might wind up being glad to be you

**EVERYONE:**

Dazzling ever after

**CARLISLE & ESME:**

Though the world will tell you it's not smart

**EVERYONE:**

Dazzling ever after

**SAM, EMBRY, QUIL, & SETH:**

The world can be yours if you let your heart

Believe in ever after

**TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN & KATE:**

No wonder your heart feels it's flying

Your head feels it's spinning

**EDWARD:**

Each happy ending's a brand new beginning

**BELLA:**

Let yourself be all dazzled, you just might break through

**EVERYONE:**

To dazzling ever after

**JACOB:**

Forever could even start today

**EVERYONE:**

Dazzling ever after

**ALICE: **

Maybe it's just one wish away

**EVERYONE:**

You're dazzling ever after

Everever ever after

**BELLA:**

I've been dreaming of a true love's bite!

Oh, for dazzling ever after !

_(Everyone finishes in Broadway-style poses in the center of the stage. CURTAINS CLOSE. All the main characters get in line quickly for the last number)_

**CARLISLE: **ROLL CALL!

**MAIN CHARACTERS :**

I'm Alice!

Jasper

Rosalie

Emmett

Esme

Carlisle

Jacob

Renesmée

Tanya, Irina, Aro, Alec, Jane

Sam

Leah

Seth, Embry, Quil, Sue, Emily

Edward

And I'm…. BELLA!

_(EVERYONE is on stage, they say thanks, and CURTAINS CLOSE for one last time. STEPHENIE is still visible on her desk.)_

**STEPHENIE: **And everyone lives happily ever after… Oh this story is so uhmazing!

_(THE END)_


End file.
